Badger Badger Badger.

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 17. He was 24 at the time, and smelled of a strange combination of cigarettes with a hint of gasoline. He was hideously ugly, but I was very forgiving about looks at that time. He unexpectedly kissed me in the fountain courtyard in front of the mall one day.
Finally! Someone who thought I was pretty, funny, who liked talking to me. Someone actually liked shy, pathetic, awkward, me. I had waited years for this to happen. I fantasized and played out the scenario in my head like a short film entitled, "My Idealistic First Kiss", a thousand times every day. Reality never quite lives up to romanticized expectations, I learned. I withdrew my lips from his slobbery pucker, my stomach twisting in disgust, my face reddened with shyness.
Why doesn't this feel right?

I met him a few weeks later at a sleazy downtown motel he was staying in for the weekend to visit me. I told my parents I was going to the mall, and that I would be back later that evening.
"Be safe," my Dad warned gruffly, as I was leaving for the afternoon. A hint of tears glimmered from the corners of his eyes. I wouldn't be his little girl for much longer.

At the motel room, my secret boyfriend moved quickly. I soon realized I was naked. I tried to hide my shame, arms crossed over my chest, head bowed low as I watched my big toe trace circles in the dirty green carpet. He smirked at my embarrassment and told me he loved me, drawing me closer into his loathsome embrace. His arms felt like slimy leeches slithering across my bare white shoulders, and I shuddered at the thought of them.

I can't do this. It doesn't feel right. This isn't right, why am I here?

I tore myself away from him again. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I don't love this man.
He doesn't love me either.
I'm repulsed at the sight of him, his smell, his laugh.

I turn away from him. I stoop to pick up my childish flowered, cotton underwear, my hands still shielding my body from his stare.
Why won't he stop? How am I on the bed now? Why can't I move?

My mind floats high above the two bodies below me, watching as the man takes me for my first time. And I wait for it to be over.