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Friday, March 19, 2010
And Yet Stranger Days
Why do I share this humiliating, depressing, and all-too-personal shit with you all?
Well, I'm not running for chairman of the "My Life Was More Fucked Up Than Yours" Pity Party or anything like that. Even if I did, I wouldn't win the seat anyway. To say that others go through far worse would be an understatement.
In all honesty, I have no fucking right to complain or even feel sorry for myself. Everyone and their family is insane in their own special sort of way, and from what I've seen, few rarely live the stuff of fairy tales or MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen". (<--accidental rhyming here, but i'm going with it).
Perhaps that's why I do share, because I know no one's life is ever really normal.
Part of attempting to be a sane(r) individual is knowing where you have been, and where you are now.
I feel this is important for me to recognize my own progress and sense of accomplishment in my life, although I have never been to therapy (save a couple months of alcohol counseling courtesy of the state of Arizona).
The years after 17, I was insanely self-destructive, violent, a reckless drunk, hating myself, picking fights, and overall a giant asshole, to name JUST a few. It's no small miracle that I'm even alive today with all the stupid shit I used to do on the daily. Oh. Wow. Oh, memories...
I pride myself in everything that has happened to me, by my bad luck, bad people, or my bad choices. Although these things are awful and have undeniably changed me and molded me as an individual for better and worse, I am not these things. I refuse to let these things decide for me who I am or who I want to be. I am responsible for my own life and my own actions and I refuse to cower behind my dysfunctional past any longer.
Surviving and living past these things can be empowering when you use them to your advantage. I am proud to have already lived a life of so many hurdles and devastating, life changing events at 25. I am proud that I overcame them alone.
When I toss aside my self-doubts and old downward paths of thinking, I know I can do anything.
On days like these, I feel like a fucking warrior.
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1 comments (+add yours?)
I feel as though everyone has these moments in their lives. It is not really a "moment of being" nor is it a moment of epiphany. This moment is more of a moment of "suck it up." I understand what you say when you describe yourself as a warrior, and people who are warriors are the ones I admire most. Instead of allowing tough life situations and experiences depress or impede your success you just kind of suck it up and get everything else done. This is kind of amazing. Recently I've experience some devastating events, and I did so in solitude. Since everyone shares these warrior moments why does everyone want to experience them alone?
--Nikki
p.s.
love you display picture!
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